Smile, and believe. Everything will be alright. It should, it would right?

amidst a love gushing tsunami, amidst a passion ravelling touch. A love so deep, so pure, so anxious. So afraid, looking at the scars--dents of ravage.. As jingle bells are ringing, white Christmas without presence, turquoise-eyed drives the hurting unknown. dragging along hope, hope that is pure, Trust that rock is sole and solid. Like the Kinabalu, Like, the Kinabalu. Light the Kinabalu.
Is that you Santa clause?
You light my days-sun, guide my night-lighthouse. Instil live back into passion emotion. You greet me sayang; doesn't it mean something? I am restless, i am sleepless. I need to know, I die of curiosity-where I stand? but i could not know, not now though. not if we are apart, because, it is not right-not substantial electronically, digitally.
I yearn for that touch of flesh again. It was real, it was. It was me, I Love You.
:-X

Pada Syawal yang Mulia...

Blessed Eid ul-Fitr and Maaf Zahir dan Batin.. Salam Aidilfitri.. Haven't been able to check in with the blog for longest time now.. probably cause I've not been too affected recently? Maybe its disassociation. But today is an auspicious day indeed.

Raya aidilfitri as we say in Malaysia has always been a celebration to look forward to. More so this year than ever, however that dream was short-lived. Many things I had in mind, many ideas of raya, many scenarios. It would have been perfect, the timing would have been perfect. I always wanted to share Ramadhan with someone, properly berbuka with the family and celebrating Raya helping out with the open house or simply visiting. Now, see how this Would Have been perfect to indulge myself into the culture and family. I so wanted to be a part of all this and I really open to everything. Still wondering what is she up to and how is raya over there..

"I dont know whats happening with you but I missed you"

Owh, its a wet raya here around my area. Its just something about the rain that soothes the soul and calms the spirit. Was in a friends open house, one I must visit every Raya. This truly was a 1Malaysia open house. There were vast variety of people, food and drinks. Beer and wine catered for the non-Muslim, all and everyone is jolly happy chattering about catching up with old friends and meeting new ones. I love this open house best. Have not had any open house beat this yet.

Standard Chatered has been good. People there are friendly, bosses intimidating and assuming. what a combination.. LOL. everyday I meet someone new and get this question, "but you're a photographer, what the heck are you doing here in a bank?" I usually just laugh before repeating the whole reality tv thing with "Nokia The Rookie" that story never fail to draw attention.. i likes attention.. hehehe.

anyways, here's some random rants i've been collecting in between this post and the previous..

nicest feeling cant stop talking
"Hi heart, Meet and old friend, dagger" says brain.
possible something to deffinate nothing!
And here it goes, the emo continues.. haha.
Ever felt like you've in the wrong place at the wrong time? Like everything
has a time and place i understand but not you apparently. you have no time
nor do you have place among the society you're in.. wow, how crappy can
things get. motivation and demotivation is such a subjective thing that
either one frustrates you the with such similar propensity that it drives
you nothing but anoying nuts.

How tired I am of this unbarable distance between up
How I long of the toll of the recess bell
Have you forgotten me?
Grown mindless of me?
Tell me I'm not writing into an abyss,
or thats what will become of my heart

someone once asked, "why do you love me?"
and I felt so lousy i couldn't answer her.
then I realised how pure the feeling was. There is no material or feelings to compare to or equate. It was not 'subjected' to something. It was wholesome. So much so even if she breaks a thousand times this soul will still hold

Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. Move on when things aren't like before.

friends..
it was trouble when the first person you see when you wake up is also the last person you see when you fall asleep.
trouble is proximity, and i always said, really counts.
that's exactly growing to love a person, or some might call it falling in love with the person.

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

did you know...

that

At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

You mean the world to someone.

If not for you, someone may not be living.

You are special and unique.

When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

and you!

season 2 finale. like seriously what is up people's head? yes we are all thinking creatures. we are called to think. so think before speaking. there are so many possibilities, too many in the universe in fact. In time of confusion, do not hesitate, do not assume, most importantly do not shut our intuition out, conscience, in lay-er term; gut feeling. Scholars and philosophers have said before; realisations are revelations, when it comes it is usually enlightening, sometimes regretful, Joyous, and sometimes, too late.

Treat people righteously, give them the respect, gratitude and all they deserve. Even if you are unsure, it does not mean someone is to be a sacrificial lamb here. Though it is a separate issue all together that they are willing to. People and things come and go day in day out. we hurt those closes to us, but they are still there. They who believed in us when we had no faith in ourselves, held us when we lost our balance, caught us when we were falling, cradle us when we fell. WHY? Why so? of course! its this thing call love cos it cant be obligation, it cant be anything else. And yet we know we could treat them better. Priority given, priority taken, priority all messed up. There is only so much humans can do out of obligation. look at prayers for instant, people pray out of obligation and when they're in trouble. How often do we truly praise God, thank God, in prayers?

When was the last time you said 'Thank you' and meant it. Do you remember what was it you were thankful for? Friendship, is it overrated these day and age? I tell you what it is, taken for granted that's what it is and so is all other form of relationships.

What is the most valuable thing in your life? why?
Can we live life simply? not simple, simply. Ask yourself.
Tepuk dada, tanye selera.

I'm ever greatful to have done what I did, met who I meet, share what I shared, give what I gave, feel what I felt. Thank you. I know I am alive. I know how to appreciate.

Random thoughts of the day..

Obsesiku - Aqasha

We love ourselves even after doing many mistakes. Then how can we hate others for their one mistake. Think before you hate someone or hate yourself.

Swimming along the flow is effortless but swimming against it needs effort. Don't go the way life takes you, but take life the way you wanna go. Dare to be different.
(To flow with the current will sometimes bring you to a big waterfall.)

The greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. Think about it.

A beautiful saying: If your eyes are positive you would like all the people in the world. But if your tongue is positive all the people in the world like you.

Life is about the art of drawing without an eraser, so be careful while taking decisions about the most valuable pages of your life.

Life is like a coin. Pleasure and Pain are the two sides. Only one side is visible at a time. But remember other side is also waiting for it's turn.

If you like someone, show it. It will be sweeter then telling. But if you don't like someone. Just tell it. It will be less painful then showing it.

A very true but strange quote: Love doesn't start in morning & end in evening. It starts when you don't need it & ends when you need it most.

What's greater then mom's love? Which pillow is better then lover's lap? Which company's better then friends? There are some things in life with no substitutes. Love them forever.

A boy loved a girl so much. One day he proposed to her. But she refused. Still he was not sad. His friends asked him, didn't you feel bad? He said, why should I feel? I lost the one who never loved me. But she lost the one who really loves her.

finale

wow its here. survived the bashing. now its time to face the music. production has hinted throughout their editing of the episodes who they have chosen, and who is to get out. We were all accessories. I wished everyone the best. it has been a pleasure working with you guys through thick and thin. If there is one thing i have to say it would be everyone was being themselves except one who played us all. you were good actor. so long farewell i hate to say goodbye...

Its alright. I'm alright.

the rant continues.. pls note that it's not about u. go get your own stories.. see.. crazys

I came, I saw, I tried and I fell. now I'm getting up. It sure aint easy. I freaked when things weren't going according to expectation. Yes I was led, but things became really crazy as i will refer to in the song from the previous post. It has cost much, everyone knew i was distracted, but I didn't like that, cos its not accurate. but you cant blame them, thats what they saw, thats what they wanna believe. sadly thats also what they will say and talk about.
Its coming to the end of the journey. 4 more days to go and the nerve wreaking phase of live will end and hopefully a new and exciting journey will begin. Beginning with a new career prospect, a new leaf, a new dawn, a new day. Being here now, looking around and thinking, shit! what have i been doing? what have i done? what have i not done? and all this while, what the heck was i thinking?
they say "spend your life with someone who accepts and loves you, not someone you have to impress" dont ask me who the hell are "they" i dont know k.

If i go before i wake, i pray to God my soul to keep. I have not gotten done many things. so I wont go, I Cant go. But who am I to say such things. Its up to him to judge and do unto me. but I would like to apologize to everyone I have hurt, saddened, disappointed, ignored, made fun of, taken for granted of etc etc. You never know when will it be your last time speaking, seeing, spending time with another.

condolences to Debbs, sorry for your lost.

every moment is change. so much we can do but all we need is to decide to do it. not doing 'it' lol
i'm starting to type rubbish and crap. save the embarrass

This song..

Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I couldnt understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didnt die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past.
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the
Things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

I'd never in a million years imagined that someone would write such an accurate song at this moment. Its as if he plucked the words from my mouth. It doesnt help that I stupidly made a discovery over somethings. This is me digging my own grave again. This is so useless. This is so blaeh.. I dont know what I feel exactly, sadness, frustration or anything. like lost of hope all of a sudden.

For once the I feel the pressure. What have I been lolly-gagging on for years just turned around and kick me in the face.. ouch. what have I build for myself? this is not me. I'm more than this! my credentials are weak now. they are not where they're suppose to be. This is me freaking out about Approval.

I dont understand how I can be so similar. physically and with at least 1 passion in common. That is probably why, no, this IS why things have been up and down so much. now I see and understand where it comes from. I still care/love nonetheless.

FUNK PHENOMENON

Best things in life are free? I thought they don't come easy? Jeremy's birthday was somewhat a ball.. was fun, easy going and funny the whole time. With the all cliche Flaming lambo, but this time at Gsix the Lambo was really a show.. and much worth it as well. Talking about lambo that are made to be shared unless you want to get shit-faced real quick. One thing that really intrigues be is how this all just fell into place.. It was really only decided over dinner, having curry fish head in AGOGO, yeap that is the name of a restaurant. Anyway's we were all virgin to this place, meaning to say none of us has actually been here but we've heard and seen from people plus we did our own short research about the place and turns out pretty decent. Until we got there.

"Welcome to Hong Kong!" was what it was. I mean there was so many of one race there that it looked like it could be a club in Hong Kong.. so anyways too, the build of the place is really neat. it wasn't too dark so it wasn't dingy at all. At first I was really annoyed with rude people walking into you, and things like that but it gradually improved.

so anyways, that was that. So now things been going well.. no pressure, no nonsense. and but there is an underlying fact that 'nothing is coming' which i suppose doesn't really bother no more. the stint is that it does come around and bite you from time to time. I honestly feel a little lousy today with the combination of happenings that it made it seem that I was sadden about a reality check. Say a reality cheque bounced. darn.

Nobody can make you do what you don't want to and same goes vice versa. people can advice you, bare in mind they are afterall third party oppinions. Cos at the end of the day, it is you who knows who you are dealing with. It is your feelings on the line, not theirs. Thanks for the support, no really, thanks. You cant tell someone what to belief and what to ditch. I belief in this. tho this might take long, I really do believe. Just have to sit back and watch time do its magic. they say time heals wounds, connects people. and those cant be lost. I am just being around. dont do the pity love thing. it would be an insult.

Love,
Des

"I dont feel it" ?

"it"You're everything I wanted, but not. like really? Maybe cos it wasn't hard for you. Maybe i threw myself so openly that there's NO challenge. Maybe everything is just excuses for your fear of getting hurt. Or simply not wanting to work it out. And so its been nice knowing you. really? I can never say or do anything to make someone have feelings? If it was ment to be it would have happened already? I know its easy to fall in Love and all. but do people really think of it to be that easy? I didn't think so. I am exhausted like really am.

I cant put into words what i feel, why i feel tintersted. . i just know it feels right for now, like as in at this moment. Lets not compare too much from the pass. I just want for you to be in my future.. ZZZzzzzZZZ

Morning sunshine!

Hell no. Aint nobody's gonna breaka my style, nobody's gonna hold me down, Oh No, I've got to keep on moovin.. Thought I started this with some good ol 80s music.. feeling a little hippie, like bounce to soft beat of some nice reggae melodies.. How I wished I could be by the beach now. My Ideal retirement is still to open a cafe or restaurant by the beach.. probably in Langkawi. Thats most realistic I see.. plus they have cars there, so i'm not totally out of touch with my other passion--driving.
Must be wondering what the? Erm, yesterdays so down and emo and today all jumpy and stuft. Quoting someone I know: Issues dowh. Haha.. I like to see what happeneds when the realisation dawns upon.
Oh yea, I've been getting pretty nasty stuffs. Like dude, chill wei, I'm the one with the emotional problems, and then kene marah pulak? like what the hell? haha.. okay you know I'm talking about you when you see this la.. seriously, i thought friends are suppose to be supportive and caring. nie marah marah. Its okay, i figured you must have some sort of a reason or excuse to snap at me like that.. but i'll see u in college k..
sigh, this weeks that has passed has showed me loads I've been missing out. It has broaden my horizons. extended my comfort zone. and most of all sharpen me back to what I use to know and do. I AM DES. DES is back. Not sure why it took this and so long to get back.. Cant help but wonder where the hell have I been all this while? Gosh, I missed myself. LOL.
Life is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. I am rediscovering myself. I think I found where to begin. For those who live life without stops, without asking why, why not, without getting out of your comfort zones and trying something different, you are not taking this journey, its a chore.
Dont worry too much about rights and wrongs. decisions, made will either give you power of make you humble. Either way you still win. as long as we are willing to learn, to back track the wrong path, to make the best of our surroundings, to enjoy the scenery along the way and not just rushing to arrive and finish the journey.. Fight and persevere for what you want, but always be thankful for what you have. This is Des, He's not stopping. So much excitement is on the way.. So much to shine. Its time.

The Journey began and ended real quick

This few days have been a ubber emotional rolla coaster.. from YES to MAYBE to NO. what a progression.. indeed, I gave all hope in something i wasn't sure of but it just felt so great. Nothing else mattered. Nothing still will now. Now that its all gone. all from my doing. This is where it gets really crappy, "I cannnot stop thinking about it. about the possibilities that were sceptically pushed aside. A feeling so strong, you thought it can never go wrong.. I know i may have seem gungho, I know, i know. You said you didn't like it, that it became pushy, that I was rushing things, But what i really think was that you felt i was taking too long to sort 'things' out. I know, I am sorry for making you feel that way. making you like what you cant have just yet. making you feel horibble or even putting you into the third person position. I am really sorry. I guess it hit me real hard when you pull out. when you adimently say No-Go to this. Didn't expect to end something before starting it. I know your insecurities, I wasn't exactly helping either. I wanted to, but my position only made you feel more fragile and uncertain. I do really care for you. Please do tell me not to.
I suppose what I'm doing is trying to salvage a last chance, a second and last chance to be the one who walks with you, to hold you when you're down, catch you when you're falling. I want to be that person. I just dont know how to make you understand this, to want to give this a try. Whatever the outcome maybe. To eliminate this particular 'what if' from our thoughts. You acted haistyly i get it. I am not angry with you, if anything i would still want to give this a shot, my best shot. Otherwise, why would this feel so much more painful than an actuall break-up? This pain is telling us something. Dont ignore it. I know you're more passionate than this. When you convinced me you were innocent and nice, i had my reservations but I believed you, now you're convincing me otherwise. Whatever it is if someone is willing to except your goods and bads, nothing is going to change their minds or drive them away. In this case me. I'm trying to reach your heart. Thought mine is ripped out and it really hurts, i still have it to forgive and love you.
Now you are thinkning, 'what this crazy guy's trying to do now?!!' I dont care if anyone reads and if this news travels to whoever. I just want you to know how I really felt and feel. I know you made up your mind, can you make up your heart? why do you shut out all emotions and play with everyone elses emotions? why?
These things are not connected to a switch. where you can turn on and off as you like. I am not a dog you pet and push away. I'm not a cat that only will look for you if i need something. may that is you? i dont know.. we've share so much about each of ourselves, why? why would you share things about yourself to me if you didnt think SO? I was geting to know you and u said i stalked? what does that even mean? I wanted to be part of your life, so i had to have an idea, and i wanted to build mine with you in it, so i think too far ahead. Is being ambitious a crime these days? at least I had a picture in mind. You just layan-ed. That's all you do. You have too many attention from too many people now. I've just become one of those attention that you have on you. Whatever happened to 'owh, it feels nice to have someone's attention', 'Its nice, its been a while' whatever happened to lets see where it takes us? or lets jump together. disappear from this place altogether, for a little while. Movies and pizza was really the best feeling ever. felt like it really was going to go somewhere, and then suddenly you pull the emergency brakes, intimacy problems? consience tells you to? its my fault, I'm not 'sorted' quick enough. But, if, just what if, you could recall that feeling, that feeling you felt when you tought this could take off, when you reciprocate those feelings I showed you. Please do, do let me know. Because this is not as scary as you feared, I counld hurt a fly, what more you, okay you may say it could happen to her, therefore it could happen to you. I can only promise. you have my word, if it is worth some meaning to you." Another thought i ask not maybe now, but tomorrow or the days to come. never shut out opportunities, it could lead to greater things. i dont need to tell you that. i just feel you're to affraid to love again. Sadly, you have to love to heal those wounds.

Here I am, This is me, There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.

Life has been craZy. It seems like I only come here to see you when I'm sad. Dont get depressed. not just yet. I've got another journey, and this might just be what I need. This reality show is draining me. Its good exercise though, a lot on the brain, physically nothing much other than lack of sleep thats all. so now everyone will be wondering what crap i'll be going on about now? another emo shit episode? i'm ever changing, dont you think so? in fact we all are.. there is so little that is certain about us.

I hate feelings, cos you can never seem to explain them in words. Feelings are ment to be expressed. so this means you can never convey feelings through text, not accurately you cant, and that sucks big time! It goes into songs, not to be verbalise, but to try create that feeling the singer/writer ment to create. and so often we get affected with things we think is impossible to even harm us.

anxiety fills the chest, fear the heart, and overclocking the brain with thoughts of possibilities that haunt your in the dark corner; bright surface of the rest. Just pull the plug!!! but i dont know how. Please teach me, and help me find the courage to deal the rage of a broken heart. Its not fair. not for anyone. but it has to be done else history will repeat for the third time. If you read this, I'm sorry. I am not the one you hoped to be. but if you dont, its fine. cos its all in my mind, and i'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. so unsure, so uncertain, so fallen.

Fallen onto angels arms breathing scents and breaths I'm never familiar by. A day so great it shines through the night. A forbidden fruit if you may; I eat. Dear fruit, fill me with your secrets. secrets of life so similar against all persons, a beauty unconprehenable. Of sweet tenderness; of Love.. beg giving up, extradited with juice commanding a second try at things.

Poker face! :p ;) :D :)

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, wherever you are and whatever you do! wake up and smell the coffee. sudden realization please enlighten my dear friend. Its okay now its gone, its sailed, its bailed. whack! smack! thoughen up, nack! put a smile on your face, make the world a better place.. shake! shake! shake it! What a great feeling to feel unaffected, even if you are just pretend, put a smile on and everything's gonna be alright. why worry others. but please know it was you. but no, please do react, dont do anything with it. i left it that way. and i have walked along. dont , please dont pick it up. I'm happy, see, happy happy joy joy! its nothing. its good now, much good came from it too. By the way have you ever LISTEN to the sound of rain? it is so beautiful. been listening to this and seriously its the shits ya'll! if the link is broken try this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CB1tBjcWug&feature=related.

always have, always will.

love,
bro/dude/appu,

Shoulders of Giants

I quote a friend, a brilliant friend, "ask not for a lighter burden but a broader shoulder"
I will be here, forever till I die. I'm no superman, i cant fly. My shoulders are always welcoming towards you. You whom have stepped into my life, you who left foot prints in the sands of my time.
For we know we want the best for you--your happiness incentives gears mine. Your troubles tricks me, you shall share it no longer. not with me at least. retreat i will to a place i was before, a place many acquaintances come from--of genuine nothing-much-ness.
But it is okay. I know where to stand now. I found myself now. for the menace, for the face and that phase. You made me reminisce re-evaluating my silly steps of failure, i should have been somewhere, somewhere else from where i am today.
But it is okay, believe it is divine these roadblocks and diversion. No accidents happen, no mistakes exist, only choices, bad or brilliant. it shouldn't have developed, all the bringing me home was driving me nuts. stampeding thoughts craves direction, the steam must die off somehow. A flame's most painful experience before death-The Douse. It has to be done.
So go ahead, oh you gates, ring them bells of laughter and summon the choirs of mercy for it is a good day to rejoice, a joyful occasion. No one will, no one could, ever pull the brakes on you.

I will be here, always and around, for you to rest, your a bed for your head and shoulder the cries ahead. Circumstances, consequences, feelings and motivation evolve, but I promise you, you'll know who to call if it breaks, who to cal if it leaks. Call a shoulder, you will always remain sane in this mind.

real and dream : smack back into reality

as the drowsiness wears off, as all substance leaves the blood stream. Arise, only to realize shit. Two mornings now its been, gradually increasing in fcuk gradient. In the consciousness of drunk thoughts, a dream so vivid promising hope, hope that it was a show. IN your dreams MF. the realization was just too overwhelming, that it was a dream. but with it came messages, i dont understand, waking up with so much hope bash away in seconds, motivates thoughts, thoughts of beauty, of great serenity, exactly like a white lily, like yesterday's, the box office. front row first class seats. smile thrown and smiles flies, beer smiles, sorrowful smiles. Satnam vaaranam, is it truth? strengths? oh please! its going to be another few months, years, is it I next? my efforts were wishful, my thoughts confuse each other. YOU CHICKEN SHIT! should have done something when you could. Now you wait in silent sorrow, again. till it comes around, if ever. A stab wound unseen, a stab wound still bleeds. Lord, please give me another chance. amin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP8xiW5Zg9A

a stab wound unseen

it slips, slipped twice, sitting and watching, chattering the same table, outings and fittings--gatherings, clanking of cheering mugs and glasses, professionals and non-Pros, What going to happen now? What just happened? 2 battles in months? STUPID, messed up, cant think straight, breathe, breathe, cant breathe, what is happening? If it didn't It shouldn't matter. If it didn't, It should not hurt. but it does, what does it mean? the calling? The nap after, a torment. why? when you are not more than this? are you? things are so blurry now its become clear, a stab wound unseen. heals every other pains you have, trust me. History repeats, tonight, front seat HBO style. The silent cry, the obvious looks and the oblivious act of loving kindness. bla bla bla. cant write with this writers block, its overwhelming this feeling, words cant describe. You are one confused being. you are an idiot, you are shit scared, coward, you are useless, lousy, time wasting, unproductive, everything you could be BUT NO!! NO sense of urgency.A clear moment now, Just leave me to die, die on my own; my own lonely grave, bearing a lonely cross. Pester me not, the sloth of goth and evil thoughts champion on forward from them grips towards a garden peaceful and alone, back to Eden, where it all began, so the ending would meet the beginning. With nobody to please except the self. THE SELF IS SELFLESS. The body an empty case and the soul wonders, prowling on meaning less jokes to keep the mind humored. Lifeless souls as they call it. Lifeless bloody souls and anatomy. a moment a stab wound unseen, with blood so thick, a cut so deep, all metaphorically present. kist

Ingest the Injustice, purge the scums

I am reposting this of course out of emotion. Emotion towards who this beautiful country has running it. Bunch of Bloody Idiots. seriously, who paid you this time? or who are you trying to impress now? Is that increment or promotion worth every single penny at the expense of rumbling families? How would you like it if it is your family in this story here? Whatever happened to values? I know there are good cops and bad, but is this really necessary to cause more pain and exploit the red-tapes? He deserves a trial if any at all, a fair one. Stop covering shit with more shit. Come on, we are not some third world country, filth and corruption spewing out our guts. Or maybe we are, but living in denial? You answer..

Taken from a dear friend.


how do you sleep at night, sir

the latest news is, as written by Star Online,

The 800gm of “powder” found at actor Khaeryll Benjamin Ibrahim’s condominium unit in Kepong is not cocaine, said the police.

“The 800gm of powder confiscated was not cocaine and we have requested the Chemistry Department to conduct tests again,”.

why the retest is necessary, i do not know. just like how they needed about 10 plain clothed cops to rearrest my brother after the bail was posted, i do not know. and as much as i try to comprehend, i can't.

i'm just hoping that all of this end soon enough, before my mother breaks down - she has been very strong about this; before my father speaks up - we all know how quiet he usually is; before my sister loses her patience - God knows she already has very little of that; and before my 4-year-old nephew is old enough to realise what is going on, and have these bullshit questions running through his head the way they run through mine.

thank you very much to all of you out there who are supporting us, praying for us, or at the very least ask us how we are. it means a lot to us, trust me.

one favour i would like to ask from all of you, is to please read the note below, written by my sister EI, and to perhaps re-post this, if you may. please, and thank you. God bless.

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On March 11th, he was arrested at his apartment's parking lot in Segambut. Police brought him to an apartment he rented in Kepong, and after entering, claimed that in that residence, he possessed 800grams of cocaine, and 140grams of methamphetamine, and accused him of processing and trafficking, putting him under the risk of being charged under Section 39B, which carries the death penalty.

On March 12th he was remanded for 7 days. When my parents inquired if we can engage a lawyer, the Investigation Officer told us "No need".

On March 17th, after our family waited more than an hour, we were allowed to see him for the very first time, under supervision.
Again my mother asked if we should get him a lawyer, again the I.O advised against it, claiming "Lawyer tak boleh buat apa-apa sekarang. Buang duit je. (Lawyer can't do anything now. It's simply a waste of money)."

On March 18th, his remand was extended another 7 days. The magistrate inquired why there was no lawyer present for him, and whether he was made aware he had the right to a counsel of his choice. He replied "No." Therefore, he requested for one, and only nine hours later, did the I.O call to inform my mother, who promptly engaged Amer Hamzah Arshad.

But the very next day, the police used their Executive authority under Section 28A that vetoed his right to a counsel. All requests made by our lawyer to visit him was denied.

Only after we complained to SUHAKAM, did the police allow Amer to visit him.
On the last day of his remand.
After the investigations were concluded.
For only 15 minutes.

On March 25th, he was brought to court, and charged under Section 12(2) for possession of 0.24grams of metaphetamin in his Segambut residence. Nothing the police claimed they found in the Kepong residence, the cocaine and shabu that was "already packaged to be distributed" or the so called "cocaine processing mini-lab" was brought to court.

Because there WAS none.

He was released on bail. A trial date was set. He was so close to being free, and seeing his 4 year old son again.
But as he was signing the papers of his release, the Plainclothes were outside waiting.

Not two steps after he came out of the bail department, without any explanation, they re-arrested him. Amer was restrained from protecting him, and only after Amer repeatedly asked them to show their I.D, did they do so. Still, no explanation was given to the family. We were merely told to go to the Headquarters and speak to Inspector Kang. The same guy who claimed my brother possessed the cocaine they NEVER found.

He never saw us, he was "in a meeting." He wasn't too occupied to give the press a statement, but was unavailable to see us.
We were told by the new I.O for this case, and the DSP (the guy who signed the papers denying my brother the right to a counsel) that they are detaining him for 60 days under the Special Preventive Measures Act (LPK), after which, they could further detain him for 2 years if found guilty.

Guilty according to THEM. For under this act, it is a detention without trial, like the Internal Security Act. Any information gathered from "witnesses" and "investigations" will never be disclosed to him or his lawyer, or the court. He will also not be able to defend himself against any allegations. Under this act, he will never have his day in court.

On March 25th, my brother, Ben, was denied his Constitutional rights.

For 2 weeks, our family went through hell. Sleepless nights, press waiting outside our door, Ben had asthma attacks after the police delayed themselves in acquiring the requested medication for 3 days, Mama, who is a cancer patient herself, suffered chest pains and lost her voice.
We felt it was all worth it, for we would be able to have him back.

But now, a new nightmare has begun.
Whether or not Ben is guilty, should not be for the Police to decide. If they HAD the evidence to strengthen their warrant for re-arrest, why was it not brought to court? Why is Ben not given a chance to defend himself? How can we ever know the authenticity of these so called witnesses and their statements? If there were ANY to begin with?

Under this act, I could simply be caught for any crimes of drug offences the police accuse me of, because they can claim they have enough information (even if they have absolutely nothing) and detain me. For 60 days, for 2 years, and even EXTEND it after.

Acts like this and the ISA are licenses for ARBITRARY arrest and detention. Anytime. Anywhere. Anybody.

My family and Amer will not back down. We will fight for Ben's right. We will speak up for all of those who were silenced before us, who will be silenced hereafter.

But we seek your help. In any way at all, help us fight this. Re-post this, write on your blogs, write to your local representative, to our newspapers, and together we shall use our voice, our art, our space, to stand up not just for Ben, but for all our rights.

Liberty is a Constitutional right. It's time to get it back.

of crazy and stupid

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre.
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked
"You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied:

"Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Life of reaping of the sowed

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu .. If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.. I have no idea where the concept came from, that Americais an explicitly atheist country.. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham 's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina ).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... Terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock 's son committed suicide).
We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein





Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve.