finale

wow its here. survived the bashing. now its time to face the music. production has hinted throughout their editing of the episodes who they have chosen, and who is to get out. We were all accessories. I wished everyone the best. it has been a pleasure working with you guys through thick and thin. If there is one thing i have to say it would be everyone was being themselves except one who played us all. you were good actor. so long farewell i hate to say goodbye...

Its alright. I'm alright.

the rant continues.. pls note that it's not about u. go get your own stories.. see.. crazys

I came, I saw, I tried and I fell. now I'm getting up. It sure aint easy. I freaked when things weren't going according to expectation. Yes I was led, but things became really crazy as i will refer to in the song from the previous post. It has cost much, everyone knew i was distracted, but I didn't like that, cos its not accurate. but you cant blame them, thats what they saw, thats what they wanna believe. sadly thats also what they will say and talk about.
Its coming to the end of the journey. 4 more days to go and the nerve wreaking phase of live will end and hopefully a new and exciting journey will begin. Beginning with a new career prospect, a new leaf, a new dawn, a new day. Being here now, looking around and thinking, shit! what have i been doing? what have i done? what have i not done? and all this while, what the heck was i thinking?
they say "spend your life with someone who accepts and loves you, not someone you have to impress" dont ask me who the hell are "they" i dont know k.

If i go before i wake, i pray to God my soul to keep. I have not gotten done many things. so I wont go, I Cant go. But who am I to say such things. Its up to him to judge and do unto me. but I would like to apologize to everyone I have hurt, saddened, disappointed, ignored, made fun of, taken for granted of etc etc. You never know when will it be your last time speaking, seeing, spending time with another.

condolences to Debbs, sorry for your lost.

every moment is change. so much we can do but all we need is to decide to do it. not doing 'it' lol
i'm starting to type rubbish and crap. save the embarrass

This song..

Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I couldnt understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didnt die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past.
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the
Things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
Every time I see you out with someone new.

I'd never in a million years imagined that someone would write such an accurate song at this moment. Its as if he plucked the words from my mouth. It doesnt help that I stupidly made a discovery over somethings. This is me digging my own grave again. This is so useless. This is so blaeh.. I dont know what I feel exactly, sadness, frustration or anything. like lost of hope all of a sudden.

For once the I feel the pressure. What have I been lolly-gagging on for years just turned around and kick me in the face.. ouch. what have I build for myself? this is not me. I'm more than this! my credentials are weak now. they are not where they're suppose to be. This is me freaking out about Approval.

I dont understand how I can be so similar. physically and with at least 1 passion in common. That is probably why, no, this IS why things have been up and down so much. now I see and understand where it comes from. I still care/love nonetheless.

FUNK PHENOMENON

Best things in life are free? I thought they don't come easy? Jeremy's birthday was somewhat a ball.. was fun, easy going and funny the whole time. With the all cliche Flaming lambo, but this time at Gsix the Lambo was really a show.. and much worth it as well. Talking about lambo that are made to be shared unless you want to get shit-faced real quick. One thing that really intrigues be is how this all just fell into place.. It was really only decided over dinner, having curry fish head in AGOGO, yeap that is the name of a restaurant. Anyway's we were all virgin to this place, meaning to say none of us has actually been here but we've heard and seen from people plus we did our own short research about the place and turns out pretty decent. Until we got there.

"Welcome to Hong Kong!" was what it was. I mean there was so many of one race there that it looked like it could be a club in Hong Kong.. so anyways too, the build of the place is really neat. it wasn't too dark so it wasn't dingy at all. At first I was really annoyed with rude people walking into you, and things like that but it gradually improved.

so anyways, that was that. So now things been going well.. no pressure, no nonsense. and but there is an underlying fact that 'nothing is coming' which i suppose doesn't really bother no more. the stint is that it does come around and bite you from time to time. I honestly feel a little lousy today with the combination of happenings that it made it seem that I was sadden about a reality check. Say a reality cheque bounced. darn.

Nobody can make you do what you don't want to and same goes vice versa. people can advice you, bare in mind they are afterall third party oppinions. Cos at the end of the day, it is you who knows who you are dealing with. It is your feelings on the line, not theirs. Thanks for the support, no really, thanks. You cant tell someone what to belief and what to ditch. I belief in this. tho this might take long, I really do believe. Just have to sit back and watch time do its magic. they say time heals wounds, connects people. and those cant be lost. I am just being around. dont do the pity love thing. it would be an insult.

Love,
Des

"I dont feel it" ?

"it"You're everything I wanted, but not. like really? Maybe cos it wasn't hard for you. Maybe i threw myself so openly that there's NO challenge. Maybe everything is just excuses for your fear of getting hurt. Or simply not wanting to work it out. And so its been nice knowing you. really? I can never say or do anything to make someone have feelings? If it was ment to be it would have happened already? I know its easy to fall in Love and all. but do people really think of it to be that easy? I didn't think so. I am exhausted like really am.

I cant put into words what i feel, why i feel tintersted. . i just know it feels right for now, like as in at this moment. Lets not compare too much from the pass. I just want for you to be in my future.. ZZZzzzzZZZ

Morning sunshine!

Hell no. Aint nobody's gonna breaka my style, nobody's gonna hold me down, Oh No, I've got to keep on moovin.. Thought I started this with some good ol 80s music.. feeling a little hippie, like bounce to soft beat of some nice reggae melodies.. How I wished I could be by the beach now. My Ideal retirement is still to open a cafe or restaurant by the beach.. probably in Langkawi. Thats most realistic I see.. plus they have cars there, so i'm not totally out of touch with my other passion--driving.
Must be wondering what the? Erm, yesterdays so down and emo and today all jumpy and stuft. Quoting someone I know: Issues dowh. Haha.. I like to see what happeneds when the realisation dawns upon.
Oh yea, I've been getting pretty nasty stuffs. Like dude, chill wei, I'm the one with the emotional problems, and then kene marah pulak? like what the hell? haha.. okay you know I'm talking about you when you see this la.. seriously, i thought friends are suppose to be supportive and caring. nie marah marah. Its okay, i figured you must have some sort of a reason or excuse to snap at me like that.. but i'll see u in college k..
sigh, this weeks that has passed has showed me loads I've been missing out. It has broaden my horizons. extended my comfort zone. and most of all sharpen me back to what I use to know and do. I AM DES. DES is back. Not sure why it took this and so long to get back.. Cant help but wonder where the hell have I been all this while? Gosh, I missed myself. LOL.
Life is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. I am rediscovering myself. I think I found where to begin. For those who live life without stops, without asking why, why not, without getting out of your comfort zones and trying something different, you are not taking this journey, its a chore.
Dont worry too much about rights and wrongs. decisions, made will either give you power of make you humble. Either way you still win. as long as we are willing to learn, to back track the wrong path, to make the best of our surroundings, to enjoy the scenery along the way and not just rushing to arrive and finish the journey.. Fight and persevere for what you want, but always be thankful for what you have. This is Des, He's not stopping. So much excitement is on the way.. So much to shine. Its time.

The Journey began and ended real quick

This few days have been a ubber emotional rolla coaster.. from YES to MAYBE to NO. what a progression.. indeed, I gave all hope in something i wasn't sure of but it just felt so great. Nothing else mattered. Nothing still will now. Now that its all gone. all from my doing. This is where it gets really crappy, "I cannnot stop thinking about it. about the possibilities that were sceptically pushed aside. A feeling so strong, you thought it can never go wrong.. I know i may have seem gungho, I know, i know. You said you didn't like it, that it became pushy, that I was rushing things, But what i really think was that you felt i was taking too long to sort 'things' out. I know, I am sorry for making you feel that way. making you like what you cant have just yet. making you feel horibble or even putting you into the third person position. I am really sorry. I guess it hit me real hard when you pull out. when you adimently say No-Go to this. Didn't expect to end something before starting it. I know your insecurities, I wasn't exactly helping either. I wanted to, but my position only made you feel more fragile and uncertain. I do really care for you. Please do tell me not to.
I suppose what I'm doing is trying to salvage a last chance, a second and last chance to be the one who walks with you, to hold you when you're down, catch you when you're falling. I want to be that person. I just dont know how to make you understand this, to want to give this a try. Whatever the outcome maybe. To eliminate this particular 'what if' from our thoughts. You acted haistyly i get it. I am not angry with you, if anything i would still want to give this a shot, my best shot. Otherwise, why would this feel so much more painful than an actuall break-up? This pain is telling us something. Dont ignore it. I know you're more passionate than this. When you convinced me you were innocent and nice, i had my reservations but I believed you, now you're convincing me otherwise. Whatever it is if someone is willing to except your goods and bads, nothing is going to change their minds or drive them away. In this case me. I'm trying to reach your heart. Thought mine is ripped out and it really hurts, i still have it to forgive and love you.
Now you are thinkning, 'what this crazy guy's trying to do now?!!' I dont care if anyone reads and if this news travels to whoever. I just want you to know how I really felt and feel. I know you made up your mind, can you make up your heart? why do you shut out all emotions and play with everyone elses emotions? why?
These things are not connected to a switch. where you can turn on and off as you like. I am not a dog you pet and push away. I'm not a cat that only will look for you if i need something. may that is you? i dont know.. we've share so much about each of ourselves, why? why would you share things about yourself to me if you didnt think SO? I was geting to know you and u said i stalked? what does that even mean? I wanted to be part of your life, so i had to have an idea, and i wanted to build mine with you in it, so i think too far ahead. Is being ambitious a crime these days? at least I had a picture in mind. You just layan-ed. That's all you do. You have too many attention from too many people now. I've just become one of those attention that you have on you. Whatever happened to 'owh, it feels nice to have someone's attention', 'Its nice, its been a while' whatever happened to lets see where it takes us? or lets jump together. disappear from this place altogether, for a little while. Movies and pizza was really the best feeling ever. felt like it really was going to go somewhere, and then suddenly you pull the emergency brakes, intimacy problems? consience tells you to? its my fault, I'm not 'sorted' quick enough. But, if, just what if, you could recall that feeling, that feeling you felt when you tought this could take off, when you reciprocate those feelings I showed you. Please do, do let me know. Because this is not as scary as you feared, I counld hurt a fly, what more you, okay you may say it could happen to her, therefore it could happen to you. I can only promise. you have my word, if it is worth some meaning to you." Another thought i ask not maybe now, but tomorrow or the days to come. never shut out opportunities, it could lead to greater things. i dont need to tell you that. i just feel you're to affraid to love again. Sadly, you have to love to heal those wounds.