Morning sunshine!

Hell no. Aint nobody's gonna breaka my style, nobody's gonna hold me down, Oh No, I've got to keep on moovin.. Thought I started this with some good ol 80s music.. feeling a little hippie, like bounce to soft beat of some nice reggae melodies.. How I wished I could be by the beach now. My Ideal retirement is still to open a cafe or restaurant by the beach.. probably in Langkawi. Thats most realistic I see.. plus they have cars there, so i'm not totally out of touch with my other passion--driving.
Must be wondering what the? Erm, yesterdays so down and emo and today all jumpy and stuft. Quoting someone I know: Issues dowh. Haha.. I like to see what happeneds when the realisation dawns upon.
Oh yea, I've been getting pretty nasty stuffs. Like dude, chill wei, I'm the one with the emotional problems, and then kene marah pulak? like what the hell? haha.. okay you know I'm talking about you when you see this la.. seriously, i thought friends are suppose to be supportive and caring. nie marah marah. Its okay, i figured you must have some sort of a reason or excuse to snap at me like that.. but i'll see u in college k..
sigh, this weeks that has passed has showed me loads I've been missing out. It has broaden my horizons. extended my comfort zone. and most of all sharpen me back to what I use to know and do. I AM DES. DES is back. Not sure why it took this and so long to get back.. Cant help but wonder where the hell have I been all this while? Gosh, I missed myself. LOL.
Life is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. I am rediscovering myself. I think I found where to begin. For those who live life without stops, without asking why, why not, without getting out of your comfort zones and trying something different, you are not taking this journey, its a chore.
Dont worry too much about rights and wrongs. decisions, made will either give you power of make you humble. Either way you still win. as long as we are willing to learn, to back track the wrong path, to make the best of our surroundings, to enjoy the scenery along the way and not just rushing to arrive and finish the journey.. Fight and persevere for what you want, but always be thankful for what you have. This is Des, He's not stopping. So much excitement is on the way.. So much to shine. Its time.

The Journey began and ended real quick

This few days have been a ubber emotional rolla coaster.. from YES to MAYBE to NO. what a progression.. indeed, I gave all hope in something i wasn't sure of but it just felt so great. Nothing else mattered. Nothing still will now. Now that its all gone. all from my doing. This is where it gets really crappy, "I cannnot stop thinking about it. about the possibilities that were sceptically pushed aside. A feeling so strong, you thought it can never go wrong.. I know i may have seem gungho, I know, i know. You said you didn't like it, that it became pushy, that I was rushing things, But what i really think was that you felt i was taking too long to sort 'things' out. I know, I am sorry for making you feel that way. making you like what you cant have just yet. making you feel horibble or even putting you into the third person position. I am really sorry. I guess it hit me real hard when you pull out. when you adimently say No-Go to this. Didn't expect to end something before starting it. I know your insecurities, I wasn't exactly helping either. I wanted to, but my position only made you feel more fragile and uncertain. I do really care for you. Please do tell me not to.
I suppose what I'm doing is trying to salvage a last chance, a second and last chance to be the one who walks with you, to hold you when you're down, catch you when you're falling. I want to be that person. I just dont know how to make you understand this, to want to give this a try. Whatever the outcome maybe. To eliminate this particular 'what if' from our thoughts. You acted haistyly i get it. I am not angry with you, if anything i would still want to give this a shot, my best shot. Otherwise, why would this feel so much more painful than an actuall break-up? This pain is telling us something. Dont ignore it. I know you're more passionate than this. When you convinced me you were innocent and nice, i had my reservations but I believed you, now you're convincing me otherwise. Whatever it is if someone is willing to except your goods and bads, nothing is going to change their minds or drive them away. In this case me. I'm trying to reach your heart. Thought mine is ripped out and it really hurts, i still have it to forgive and love you.
Now you are thinkning, 'what this crazy guy's trying to do now?!!' I dont care if anyone reads and if this news travels to whoever. I just want you to know how I really felt and feel. I know you made up your mind, can you make up your heart? why do you shut out all emotions and play with everyone elses emotions? why?
These things are not connected to a switch. where you can turn on and off as you like. I am not a dog you pet and push away. I'm not a cat that only will look for you if i need something. may that is you? i dont know.. we've share so much about each of ourselves, why? why would you share things about yourself to me if you didnt think SO? I was geting to know you and u said i stalked? what does that even mean? I wanted to be part of your life, so i had to have an idea, and i wanted to build mine with you in it, so i think too far ahead. Is being ambitious a crime these days? at least I had a picture in mind. You just layan-ed. That's all you do. You have too many attention from too many people now. I've just become one of those attention that you have on you. Whatever happened to 'owh, it feels nice to have someone's attention', 'Its nice, its been a while' whatever happened to lets see where it takes us? or lets jump together. disappear from this place altogether, for a little while. Movies and pizza was really the best feeling ever. felt like it really was going to go somewhere, and then suddenly you pull the emergency brakes, intimacy problems? consience tells you to? its my fault, I'm not 'sorted' quick enough. But, if, just what if, you could recall that feeling, that feeling you felt when you tought this could take off, when you reciprocate those feelings I showed you. Please do, do let me know. Because this is not as scary as you feared, I counld hurt a fly, what more you, okay you may say it could happen to her, therefore it could happen to you. I can only promise. you have my word, if it is worth some meaning to you." Another thought i ask not maybe now, but tomorrow or the days to come. never shut out opportunities, it could lead to greater things. i dont need to tell you that. i just feel you're to affraid to love again. Sadly, you have to love to heal those wounds.

Here I am, This is me, There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.

Life has been craZy. It seems like I only come here to see you when I'm sad. Dont get depressed. not just yet. I've got another journey, and this might just be what I need. This reality show is draining me. Its good exercise though, a lot on the brain, physically nothing much other than lack of sleep thats all. so now everyone will be wondering what crap i'll be going on about now? another emo shit episode? i'm ever changing, dont you think so? in fact we all are.. there is so little that is certain about us.

I hate feelings, cos you can never seem to explain them in words. Feelings are ment to be expressed. so this means you can never convey feelings through text, not accurately you cant, and that sucks big time! It goes into songs, not to be verbalise, but to try create that feeling the singer/writer ment to create. and so often we get affected with things we think is impossible to even harm us.

anxiety fills the chest, fear the heart, and overclocking the brain with thoughts of possibilities that haunt your in the dark corner; bright surface of the rest. Just pull the plug!!! but i dont know how. Please teach me, and help me find the courage to deal the rage of a broken heart. Its not fair. not for anyone. but it has to be done else history will repeat for the third time. If you read this, I'm sorry. I am not the one you hoped to be. but if you dont, its fine. cos its all in my mind, and i'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. so unsure, so uncertain, so fallen.

Fallen onto angels arms breathing scents and breaths I'm never familiar by. A day so great it shines through the night. A forbidden fruit if you may; I eat. Dear fruit, fill me with your secrets. secrets of life so similar against all persons, a beauty unconprehenable. Of sweet tenderness; of Love.. beg giving up, extradited with juice commanding a second try at things.

Poker face! :p ;) :D :)

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, wherever you are and whatever you do! wake up and smell the coffee. sudden realization please enlighten my dear friend. Its okay now its gone, its sailed, its bailed. whack! smack! thoughen up, nack! put a smile on your face, make the world a better place.. shake! shake! shake it! What a great feeling to feel unaffected, even if you are just pretend, put a smile on and everything's gonna be alright. why worry others. but please know it was you. but no, please do react, dont do anything with it. i left it that way. and i have walked along. dont , please dont pick it up. I'm happy, see, happy happy joy joy! its nothing. its good now, much good came from it too. By the way have you ever LISTEN to the sound of rain? it is so beautiful. been listening to this and seriously its the shits ya'll! if the link is broken try this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CB1tBjcWug&feature=related.

always have, always will.

love,
bro/dude/appu,

Shoulders of Giants

I quote a friend, a brilliant friend, "ask not for a lighter burden but a broader shoulder"
I will be here, forever till I die. I'm no superman, i cant fly. My shoulders are always welcoming towards you. You whom have stepped into my life, you who left foot prints in the sands of my time.
For we know we want the best for you--your happiness incentives gears mine. Your troubles tricks me, you shall share it no longer. not with me at least. retreat i will to a place i was before, a place many acquaintances come from--of genuine nothing-much-ness.
But it is okay. I know where to stand now. I found myself now. for the menace, for the face and that phase. You made me reminisce re-evaluating my silly steps of failure, i should have been somewhere, somewhere else from where i am today.
But it is okay, believe it is divine these roadblocks and diversion. No accidents happen, no mistakes exist, only choices, bad or brilliant. it shouldn't have developed, all the bringing me home was driving me nuts. stampeding thoughts craves direction, the steam must die off somehow. A flame's most painful experience before death-The Douse. It has to be done.
So go ahead, oh you gates, ring them bells of laughter and summon the choirs of mercy for it is a good day to rejoice, a joyful occasion. No one will, no one could, ever pull the brakes on you.

I will be here, always and around, for you to rest, your a bed for your head and shoulder the cries ahead. Circumstances, consequences, feelings and motivation evolve, but I promise you, you'll know who to call if it breaks, who to cal if it leaks. Call a shoulder, you will always remain sane in this mind.

real and dream : smack back into reality

as the drowsiness wears off, as all substance leaves the blood stream. Arise, only to realize shit. Two mornings now its been, gradually increasing in fcuk gradient. In the consciousness of drunk thoughts, a dream so vivid promising hope, hope that it was a show. IN your dreams MF. the realization was just too overwhelming, that it was a dream. but with it came messages, i dont understand, waking up with so much hope bash away in seconds, motivates thoughts, thoughts of beauty, of great serenity, exactly like a white lily, like yesterday's, the box office. front row first class seats. smile thrown and smiles flies, beer smiles, sorrowful smiles. Satnam vaaranam, is it truth? strengths? oh please! its going to be another few months, years, is it I next? my efforts were wishful, my thoughts confuse each other. YOU CHICKEN SHIT! should have done something when you could. Now you wait in silent sorrow, again. till it comes around, if ever. A stab wound unseen, a stab wound still bleeds. Lord, please give me another chance. amin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP8xiW5Zg9A

a stab wound unseen

it slips, slipped twice, sitting and watching, chattering the same table, outings and fittings--gatherings, clanking of cheering mugs and glasses, professionals and non-Pros, What going to happen now? What just happened? 2 battles in months? STUPID, messed up, cant think straight, breathe, breathe, cant breathe, what is happening? If it didn't It shouldn't matter. If it didn't, It should not hurt. but it does, what does it mean? the calling? The nap after, a torment. why? when you are not more than this? are you? things are so blurry now its become clear, a stab wound unseen. heals every other pains you have, trust me. History repeats, tonight, front seat HBO style. The silent cry, the obvious looks and the oblivious act of loving kindness. bla bla bla. cant write with this writers block, its overwhelming this feeling, words cant describe. You are one confused being. you are an idiot, you are shit scared, coward, you are useless, lousy, time wasting, unproductive, everything you could be BUT NO!! NO sense of urgency.A clear moment now, Just leave me to die, die on my own; my own lonely grave, bearing a lonely cross. Pester me not, the sloth of goth and evil thoughts champion on forward from them grips towards a garden peaceful and alone, back to Eden, where it all began, so the ending would meet the beginning. With nobody to please except the self. THE SELF IS SELFLESS. The body an empty case and the soul wonders, prowling on meaning less jokes to keep the mind humored. Lifeless souls as they call it. Lifeless bloody souls and anatomy. a moment a stab wound unseen, with blood so thick, a cut so deep, all metaphorically present. kist