The Journey began and ended real quick

This few days have been a ubber emotional rolla coaster.. from YES to MAYBE to NO. what a progression.. indeed, I gave all hope in something i wasn't sure of but it just felt so great. Nothing else mattered. Nothing still will now. Now that its all gone. all from my doing. This is where it gets really crappy, "I cannnot stop thinking about it. about the possibilities that were sceptically pushed aside. A feeling so strong, you thought it can never go wrong.. I know i may have seem gungho, I know, i know. You said you didn't like it, that it became pushy, that I was rushing things, But what i really think was that you felt i was taking too long to sort 'things' out. I know, I am sorry for making you feel that way. making you like what you cant have just yet. making you feel horibble or even putting you into the third person position. I am really sorry. I guess it hit me real hard when you pull out. when you adimently say No-Go to this. Didn't expect to end something before starting it. I know your insecurities, I wasn't exactly helping either. I wanted to, but my position only made you feel more fragile and uncertain. I do really care for you. Please do tell me not to.
I suppose what I'm doing is trying to salvage a last chance, a second and last chance to be the one who walks with you, to hold you when you're down, catch you when you're falling. I want to be that person. I just dont know how to make you understand this, to want to give this a try. Whatever the outcome maybe. To eliminate this particular 'what if' from our thoughts. You acted haistyly i get it. I am not angry with you, if anything i would still want to give this a shot, my best shot. Otherwise, why would this feel so much more painful than an actuall break-up? This pain is telling us something. Dont ignore it. I know you're more passionate than this. When you convinced me you were innocent and nice, i had my reservations but I believed you, now you're convincing me otherwise. Whatever it is if someone is willing to except your goods and bads, nothing is going to change their minds or drive them away. In this case me. I'm trying to reach your heart. Thought mine is ripped out and it really hurts, i still have it to forgive and love you.
Now you are thinkning, 'what this crazy guy's trying to do now?!!' I dont care if anyone reads and if this news travels to whoever. I just want you to know how I really felt and feel. I know you made up your mind, can you make up your heart? why do you shut out all emotions and play with everyone elses emotions? why?
These things are not connected to a switch. where you can turn on and off as you like. I am not a dog you pet and push away. I'm not a cat that only will look for you if i need something. may that is you? i dont know.. we've share so much about each of ourselves, why? why would you share things about yourself to me if you didnt think SO? I was geting to know you and u said i stalked? what does that even mean? I wanted to be part of your life, so i had to have an idea, and i wanted to build mine with you in it, so i think too far ahead. Is being ambitious a crime these days? at least I had a picture in mind. You just layan-ed. That's all you do. You have too many attention from too many people now. I've just become one of those attention that you have on you. Whatever happened to 'owh, it feels nice to have someone's attention', 'Its nice, its been a while' whatever happened to lets see where it takes us? or lets jump together. disappear from this place altogether, for a little while. Movies and pizza was really the best feeling ever. felt like it really was going to go somewhere, and then suddenly you pull the emergency brakes, intimacy problems? consience tells you to? its my fault, I'm not 'sorted' quick enough. But, if, just what if, you could recall that feeling, that feeling you felt when you tought this could take off, when you reciprocate those feelings I showed you. Please do, do let me know. Because this is not as scary as you feared, I counld hurt a fly, what more you, okay you may say it could happen to her, therefore it could happen to you. I can only promise. you have my word, if it is worth some meaning to you." Another thought i ask not maybe now, but tomorrow or the days to come. never shut out opportunities, it could lead to greater things. i dont need to tell you that. i just feel you're to affraid to love again. Sadly, you have to love to heal those wounds.

Here I am, This is me, There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.

Life has been craZy. It seems like I only come here to see you when I'm sad. Dont get depressed. not just yet. I've got another journey, and this might just be what I need. This reality show is draining me. Its good exercise though, a lot on the brain, physically nothing much other than lack of sleep thats all. so now everyone will be wondering what crap i'll be going on about now? another emo shit episode? i'm ever changing, dont you think so? in fact we all are.. there is so little that is certain about us.

I hate feelings, cos you can never seem to explain them in words. Feelings are ment to be expressed. so this means you can never convey feelings through text, not accurately you cant, and that sucks big time! It goes into songs, not to be verbalise, but to try create that feeling the singer/writer ment to create. and so often we get affected with things we think is impossible to even harm us.

anxiety fills the chest, fear the heart, and overclocking the brain with thoughts of possibilities that haunt your in the dark corner; bright surface of the rest. Just pull the plug!!! but i dont know how. Please teach me, and help me find the courage to deal the rage of a broken heart. Its not fair. not for anyone. but it has to be done else history will repeat for the third time. If you read this, I'm sorry. I am not the one you hoped to be. but if you dont, its fine. cos its all in my mind, and i'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. so unsure, so uncertain, so fallen.

Fallen onto angels arms breathing scents and breaths I'm never familiar by. A day so great it shines through the night. A forbidden fruit if you may; I eat. Dear fruit, fill me with your secrets. secrets of life so similar against all persons, a beauty unconprehenable. Of sweet tenderness; of Love.. beg giving up, extradited with juice commanding a second try at things.

Poker face! :p ;) :D :)

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, wherever you are and whatever you do! wake up and smell the coffee. sudden realization please enlighten my dear friend. Its okay now its gone, its sailed, its bailed. whack! smack! thoughen up, nack! put a smile on your face, make the world a better place.. shake! shake! shake it! What a great feeling to feel unaffected, even if you are just pretend, put a smile on and everything's gonna be alright. why worry others. but please know it was you. but no, please do react, dont do anything with it. i left it that way. and i have walked along. dont , please dont pick it up. I'm happy, see, happy happy joy joy! its nothing. its good now, much good came from it too. By the way have you ever LISTEN to the sound of rain? it is so beautiful. been listening to this and seriously its the shits ya'll! if the link is broken try this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CB1tBjcWug&feature=related.

always have, always will.

love,
bro/dude/appu,

Shoulders of Giants

I quote a friend, a brilliant friend, "ask not for a lighter burden but a broader shoulder"
I will be here, forever till I die. I'm no superman, i cant fly. My shoulders are always welcoming towards you. You whom have stepped into my life, you who left foot prints in the sands of my time.
For we know we want the best for you--your happiness incentives gears mine. Your troubles tricks me, you shall share it no longer. not with me at least. retreat i will to a place i was before, a place many acquaintances come from--of genuine nothing-much-ness.
But it is okay. I know where to stand now. I found myself now. for the menace, for the face and that phase. You made me reminisce re-evaluating my silly steps of failure, i should have been somewhere, somewhere else from where i am today.
But it is okay, believe it is divine these roadblocks and diversion. No accidents happen, no mistakes exist, only choices, bad or brilliant. it shouldn't have developed, all the bringing me home was driving me nuts. stampeding thoughts craves direction, the steam must die off somehow. A flame's most painful experience before death-The Douse. It has to be done.
So go ahead, oh you gates, ring them bells of laughter and summon the choirs of mercy for it is a good day to rejoice, a joyful occasion. No one will, no one could, ever pull the brakes on you.

I will be here, always and around, for you to rest, your a bed for your head and shoulder the cries ahead. Circumstances, consequences, feelings and motivation evolve, but I promise you, you'll know who to call if it breaks, who to cal if it leaks. Call a shoulder, you will always remain sane in this mind.

real and dream : smack back into reality

as the drowsiness wears off, as all substance leaves the blood stream. Arise, only to realize shit. Two mornings now its been, gradually increasing in fcuk gradient. In the consciousness of drunk thoughts, a dream so vivid promising hope, hope that it was a show. IN your dreams MF. the realization was just too overwhelming, that it was a dream. but with it came messages, i dont understand, waking up with so much hope bash away in seconds, motivates thoughts, thoughts of beauty, of great serenity, exactly like a white lily, like yesterday's, the box office. front row first class seats. smile thrown and smiles flies, beer smiles, sorrowful smiles. Satnam vaaranam, is it truth? strengths? oh please! its going to be another few months, years, is it I next? my efforts were wishful, my thoughts confuse each other. YOU CHICKEN SHIT! should have done something when you could. Now you wait in silent sorrow, again. till it comes around, if ever. A stab wound unseen, a stab wound still bleeds. Lord, please give me another chance. amin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP8xiW5Zg9A

a stab wound unseen

it slips, slipped twice, sitting and watching, chattering the same table, outings and fittings--gatherings, clanking of cheering mugs and glasses, professionals and non-Pros, What going to happen now? What just happened? 2 battles in months? STUPID, messed up, cant think straight, breathe, breathe, cant breathe, what is happening? If it didn't It shouldn't matter. If it didn't, It should not hurt. but it does, what does it mean? the calling? The nap after, a torment. why? when you are not more than this? are you? things are so blurry now its become clear, a stab wound unseen. heals every other pains you have, trust me. History repeats, tonight, front seat HBO style. The silent cry, the obvious looks and the oblivious act of loving kindness. bla bla bla. cant write with this writers block, its overwhelming this feeling, words cant describe. You are one confused being. you are an idiot, you are shit scared, coward, you are useless, lousy, time wasting, unproductive, everything you could be BUT NO!! NO sense of urgency.A clear moment now, Just leave me to die, die on my own; my own lonely grave, bearing a lonely cross. Pester me not, the sloth of goth and evil thoughts champion on forward from them grips towards a garden peaceful and alone, back to Eden, where it all began, so the ending would meet the beginning. With nobody to please except the self. THE SELF IS SELFLESS. The body an empty case and the soul wonders, prowling on meaning less jokes to keep the mind humored. Lifeless souls as they call it. Lifeless bloody souls and anatomy. a moment a stab wound unseen, with blood so thick, a cut so deep, all metaphorically present. kist

Ingest the Injustice, purge the scums

I am reposting this of course out of emotion. Emotion towards who this beautiful country has running it. Bunch of Bloody Idiots. seriously, who paid you this time? or who are you trying to impress now? Is that increment or promotion worth every single penny at the expense of rumbling families? How would you like it if it is your family in this story here? Whatever happened to values? I know there are good cops and bad, but is this really necessary to cause more pain and exploit the red-tapes? He deserves a trial if any at all, a fair one. Stop covering shit with more shit. Come on, we are not some third world country, filth and corruption spewing out our guts. Or maybe we are, but living in denial? You answer..

Taken from a dear friend.


how do you sleep at night, sir

the latest news is, as written by Star Online,

The 800gm of “powder” found at actor Khaeryll Benjamin Ibrahim’s condominium unit in Kepong is not cocaine, said the police.

“The 800gm of powder confiscated was not cocaine and we have requested the Chemistry Department to conduct tests again,”.

why the retest is necessary, i do not know. just like how they needed about 10 plain clothed cops to rearrest my brother after the bail was posted, i do not know. and as much as i try to comprehend, i can't.

i'm just hoping that all of this end soon enough, before my mother breaks down - she has been very strong about this; before my father speaks up - we all know how quiet he usually is; before my sister loses her patience - God knows she already has very little of that; and before my 4-year-old nephew is old enough to realise what is going on, and have these bullshit questions running through his head the way they run through mine.

thank you very much to all of you out there who are supporting us, praying for us, or at the very least ask us how we are. it means a lot to us, trust me.

one favour i would like to ask from all of you, is to please read the note below, written by my sister EI, and to perhaps re-post this, if you may. please, and thank you. God bless.

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On March 11th, he was arrested at his apartment's parking lot in Segambut. Police brought him to an apartment he rented in Kepong, and after entering, claimed that in that residence, he possessed 800grams of cocaine, and 140grams of methamphetamine, and accused him of processing and trafficking, putting him under the risk of being charged under Section 39B, which carries the death penalty.

On March 12th he was remanded for 7 days. When my parents inquired if we can engage a lawyer, the Investigation Officer told us "No need".

On March 17th, after our family waited more than an hour, we were allowed to see him for the very first time, under supervision.
Again my mother asked if we should get him a lawyer, again the I.O advised against it, claiming "Lawyer tak boleh buat apa-apa sekarang. Buang duit je. (Lawyer can't do anything now. It's simply a waste of money)."

On March 18th, his remand was extended another 7 days. The magistrate inquired why there was no lawyer present for him, and whether he was made aware he had the right to a counsel of his choice. He replied "No." Therefore, he requested for one, and only nine hours later, did the I.O call to inform my mother, who promptly engaged Amer Hamzah Arshad.

But the very next day, the police used their Executive authority under Section 28A that vetoed his right to a counsel. All requests made by our lawyer to visit him was denied.

Only after we complained to SUHAKAM, did the police allow Amer to visit him.
On the last day of his remand.
After the investigations were concluded.
For only 15 minutes.

On March 25th, he was brought to court, and charged under Section 12(2) for possession of 0.24grams of metaphetamin in his Segambut residence. Nothing the police claimed they found in the Kepong residence, the cocaine and shabu that was "already packaged to be distributed" or the so called "cocaine processing mini-lab" was brought to court.

Because there WAS none.

He was released on bail. A trial date was set. He was so close to being free, and seeing his 4 year old son again.
But as he was signing the papers of his release, the Plainclothes were outside waiting.

Not two steps after he came out of the bail department, without any explanation, they re-arrested him. Amer was restrained from protecting him, and only after Amer repeatedly asked them to show their I.D, did they do so. Still, no explanation was given to the family. We were merely told to go to the Headquarters and speak to Inspector Kang. The same guy who claimed my brother possessed the cocaine they NEVER found.

He never saw us, he was "in a meeting." He wasn't too occupied to give the press a statement, but was unavailable to see us.
We were told by the new I.O for this case, and the DSP (the guy who signed the papers denying my brother the right to a counsel) that they are detaining him for 60 days under the Special Preventive Measures Act (LPK), after which, they could further detain him for 2 years if found guilty.

Guilty according to THEM. For under this act, it is a detention without trial, like the Internal Security Act. Any information gathered from "witnesses" and "investigations" will never be disclosed to him or his lawyer, or the court. He will also not be able to defend himself against any allegations. Under this act, he will never have his day in court.

On March 25th, my brother, Ben, was denied his Constitutional rights.

For 2 weeks, our family went through hell. Sleepless nights, press waiting outside our door, Ben had asthma attacks after the police delayed themselves in acquiring the requested medication for 3 days, Mama, who is a cancer patient herself, suffered chest pains and lost her voice.
We felt it was all worth it, for we would be able to have him back.

But now, a new nightmare has begun.
Whether or not Ben is guilty, should not be for the Police to decide. If they HAD the evidence to strengthen their warrant for re-arrest, why was it not brought to court? Why is Ben not given a chance to defend himself? How can we ever know the authenticity of these so called witnesses and their statements? If there were ANY to begin with?

Under this act, I could simply be caught for any crimes of drug offences the police accuse me of, because they can claim they have enough information (even if they have absolutely nothing) and detain me. For 60 days, for 2 years, and even EXTEND it after.

Acts like this and the ISA are licenses for ARBITRARY arrest and detention. Anytime. Anywhere. Anybody.

My family and Amer will not back down. We will fight for Ben's right. We will speak up for all of those who were silenced before us, who will be silenced hereafter.

But we seek your help. In any way at all, help us fight this. Re-post this, write on your blogs, write to your local representative, to our newspapers, and together we shall use our voice, our art, our space, to stand up not just for Ben, but for all our rights.

Liberty is a Constitutional right. It's time to get it back.